


Black Boy Lost

by severaance



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, archive warnings for derek's past csa
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-26
Updated: 2016-04-26
Packaged: 2018-06-04 13:41:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 935
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6660397
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/severaance/pseuds/severaance
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Spencer doesn't think Derek even notices he's doing it. It seems to come naturally to him, an instinctual defense mechanism. It took Spencer a while to realize exactly what Derek was doing, but when he did, it warmed and broke his heart at the same time.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Black Boy Lost

**Author's Note:**

> derek reverts back to a childlike state after a typically grueling case. cue spencer being as kind and understanding as usual.
> 
> title is a spin on nas's song 'black girl lost' http://youtu.be/fF63IYe_T8s

Spencer doesn't think Derek even notices he's doing it. It seems to come naturally to him, an instinctual defense mechanism. It took Spencer a while to realize exactly what Derek was doing, but when he did, it warmed and broke his heart at the same time. 

He was watching Derek sleep, like he often did on nights when he just couldn't close his eyes, too afraid of the images behind his lids. He was tracing the hard lines of muscle on Derek's body with his eyes, his breathing content and steady. He could lay there for hours, memorizing every curve of his lover's body. Spencer knew Derek's body so intimately, so articulately. He had a birthmark, right on the inside of his thigh, and he always keened when Spencer pressed his lips to it. He had a mole, right underneath his arm, and barely noticeable freckles behind his ears that blended seamlessly into his dark skin. Spencer knew every scar, as well - the ones from every bullet, every stab, every surgery, and every one from Derek's own hand, when the world had become too cold and too cruel. Those were the ones Spencer knew the best, as he littered them with kisses and praise whenever given the chance. 

From knowing Derek's body inside and out, he also knew his tells; every twitch, every frown, every anxious fidget telling him just what Derek was thinking. That night, Derek's leg was twitching underneath the sheets as he let out soft whimpers, his shoulders taut. Another nightmare. Spencer could tell what they were about by the way Derek reacted. The ones about UNSUBS, about all the people they had failed to save, particularly the children, Derek would thrash around the bed, his fists balled up in the sheet. The ones about Spencer, the ones where he saw his love being hurt, being tortured, being killed, he'd pant heavily, sometimes shout in his sleep. But the ones about Buford, those were the worst. 

Sometimes, Derek wouldn't move a centimeter. He'd lay deathly still, his breathing shallow, hands clenched at his sides. Sometimes, he would curl up into a ball on his side, whimpering incoherently. Sometimes, he'd wake up sobbing, desperately reaching for Spencer, other times violently jerking away from his touch. Sometimes, he'd lock himself in the bathroom, only coming out when his skin was rubbed raw. But nights like this, those were rare. 

Derek was trembling, his knees pulled tight to his chest, whimpering over and over again "no, no, no". Spencer's heart broke at the sight and he reached to shake Derek away, his hand careful and hesitant. But Derek stilled immediately. The whimpers ceased and he was snoring softly once again, his breathing steady. Spencer sighed in relief, watching as Derek's chest calmly rose and fell, when something caught his eyes. 

Derek had his thumb in his mouth. His forefinger was stroking gently over the bridge of his nose and he was lightly sucking on his thumb, making soft, barely audible happy sighs. It all clicked for Spencer then. He smiled sadly down at Derek before sliding up behind him, squeezing him close to his chest. 

Spencer didn't talk about it after that. It became quite routine for Derek. They would come home from a case. Derek would silently crawl into Spencer's lap. He would fall asleep. He would wake up, swaddled in blankets on top of Spencer, with his thumb snugly fit in his mouth. Neither of them said anything. 

It wasn't until after a particularly bad case that Spencer said something. There were three dead boys, ages 11-14. All were disemboweled. Derek threw up three times after seeing the crime scene. He didn't speak for the rest of the day, greatly hindering the teams development of a profile, but no one seemed to care. They walked around him like they were on thin ice. And when they caught the UNSUB, Spencer was glad Derek wasn't there when they took him in, alive. 

Derek held Spencer's hand the whole way home, though there was something light and gentle in his grip. Spencer didn't even realize it, but by the time they had pulled into Derek's driveway, his thumb was in his mouth once again. He didn't pull it away when Spencer looked at him, didn't even pay him any mind if the far away look in his eyes was an indication. When they got inside, they wordlessly settled down on the couch. Derek sat in Spencer's lap, head against Spencer's shoulder with his knees pulled up to his chest, thumb still in his mouth. Spencer was kissing Derek's head, holding him tightly and protectively. 

"How old are you, Derek?" Spencer asked hesitantly. Derek turned to him, pausing in consideration before removing his thumb from his mouth to speak, donning a lopsided smile as he said, "Ten." 

Spencer returned the smile, pressing another kiss to Derek's head. "Wow, you're getting to be a really big boy." He commented idly, stroking Derek's side. Derek smiled wider at him, then paused. 

"But.. Big boys still need to be taken care of. Right?" He asked, chewing on his bottom lip. Spencer was a bit taken back, but he nodded nonetheless. 

"Yes, they do. And.. I'll always be here for you, whenever you need me. Okay, kiddo?" Spencer affirmed, squeezing Derek tighter. Derek sighed happily, burying his face in Spencer's neck with a soft yawn. Then, in a barely audible whisper, he told Spencer, "I love you, Spencer." 

"I love you, too, Derek." Spencer stated simply, punctuating his words with a gentle kiss to Derek's jaw. "I love you, too."

**Author's Note:**

> "It's never too late to have a happy childhood." Tom Robbins


End file.
